This is likely a bit of a faux pah on a personal site for a web dev mainly as a showpiece but, there are many developers who explain technical things better than I could but I don’t think there’s ever enough talk about mental health. That is what brings me to “Call Your Mom” by Noah Kahan. The song is written from his perspective as he struggles to convince a friend from committing suicide. While beautiful and haunting, the lyrics pull at the cords of my essence because I’ve been on the other side, deep in a well of depression that seemed endless.

I suffer from depression and I’ve spent so much of my adult life trying to “get better”, in many ways I have, but in others ways, I never will. What I mean is at the worst of my depression, a little over a decade ago, every day was a struggle. I had to fight to find any reason to keep going. Some things were so small as I had homework to do, others were as large as “What would my nephew think if I were gone?“. It’s a fight against a sludge of a monster that will ooze over everything if you let it, and it’s a constant fight to keep it at bay, but that is how I’ve gotten better.

I spent many hours, days, and years learning to love and accept myself and that depression is a part of me, but I would never let it control me again. Even now, it will hit me, trying to bring me down, but I know I am stronger. I know I have a great life. I know I have things to live for, and will continue to see experience great things in the future. I may never be over depression, it’s my symbiot, like venom to Eddie Brock (Or Harry Osborn, depending on your Spider-Man lore), it will never take full control again. And that is my message to anyone else going throw depression.

This brings me back to the song “Call Your Mom”. Noah sings about being exactly where you are, having gone throw that darkness, and pleading with his friend, to find any reason to not give up. Depression and darkness seem all consuming, but light can be turned back one, and the darkness is trying to fool you. I have been there, and I know how hard it is to see the light, but I found it, and now I have a beautiful wife, two amazing kids, and a life I never thought I’d have. You may never be fully over it, but you can get better, and that is worth it.

I don’t write as much as I should, but every so often things, mostly music, will strike me, and create the deep swelling in my chest of ideas I need to get out. It’s often in relation to mental health, because is deeply resonates with me. It become more accepted to talk about depression and other mental health issues, but I don’t think more is ever enough. If it becomes normal to talk about these things, before people go too far, the easier it will be to get help. I’ll try to write more consistently.