I am currently struggling with when and how driven to be. I’m not a super over achiever by any means, but I like I like to be productive and, in general, feel like I’m making progress. I know “progress” defined that way is a bit arbitrary but for me it mainly boils down to feeling like I am getting better as something or making progress towards a goal.

I’ve recently wrapped up my training season for running, and that tends to fuel me for the months that I’m on. I run five days a week and work towards big long races. That along with work tends to fill that gap. Now, however, the season is done. My running has dropped as I pick races for next year and, for the first time, actually try to plan my runs as more than just low and slow. That has still left me with a bunch more time. I started a new job recently, and while I was told it’d take up tons of time, I’ve found I am productive at a relatively leisurely pace. Don’t hear what I’m not say, it’s nice not to be stressed about work and trying to cram three things into two slots but, the work itself doesn’t scratch that consistently hard enough to feel like I’m continuing to learn and grow.

I’ve compounded two things now: Less running and less active hours spent working which gives me more time.

All of that pre-amble has led to this which is basically to say, I have the pull in the center of chest going two different directions. A huge part of me, maybe it’s the lazy part (or realistic part), say just enjoy it. Take it easy, play video games, futz around the house, do workouts to keep my floor over the off season but nothing crazy, and just coast through the winter until the running picks back up in the spring. Then there’s the other part that intimidates me, because it does not provide the immediate comfort like taking it easy.

This other part wants me to use this time to make something. Spend this extra free time and build a personal website or build an app I’ve been musing over. These activities will be hard, frustrating, and annoy me. I’ve been there before. I once wrote a novel, that took me 3ish years to write. I worked on it most days for 2-3 years. It consumed me. I thought about it all the time, I wanted to keep working but I was also constantly in this stress state that any time I spent relaxing, like watching TV or playing video games, was a time I wasn’t working to finish that book.

Granted, I finished the book, sent it out to publishers, got shut down (rightfully so because it’s not very good), and it’s done. I had the same mindset when I started learning web dev and changed careers. I get the guilt that I’m not spending my time actively getting better and it feels like a gift and a curse. Now I’m not saying I’m this super amazing productive individual, I’m far from it.

I constantly struggle with the idea of “When is enough?“. Is it okay to be complacent and just enjoy an easy ride while you have it? Why do I feel like I have to make the ride harder than it needs to be? I know building my website or an app would be great from my career but I also know I think about it all the time, get stressed about it, annoyed at how long it takes. I also know, in the end, if/when they are finished I’ll be tremendously proud and feel incredibly accomplished and it’d likely help my career.

But I also know, on the other side of that mountain I’ll be facing this exact same conundrum again. When do I enjoy the ride? Is that my crazy way of enjoying it? This is the question I can’t find the answer for.

Will I ever just be able to enjoy things or do I have to drive myself? Next year I’m planning multiple ultra marathon events, but now that my season is done I’m struggling with this feeling of not doing enough. I will be doing a bunch of things but in this moment I can’t just enjoy the space. Do I accept this or do I try to change it?